October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My heart goes out to all the mamas who have loved and lost. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you how amazing and strong you are. We lit candles tonight to remember each of our four angel babies. Even though we never got to meet them earth-side I treasure each of them. During our first pregnancy we bought a wood figurine of a pregnant mama. When we had our miscarriage I boxed it away as I couldn't handle seeing it. It sat hidden on a shelf in our closet for 4 years. I had 3 miscarriages in a row. I can't describe the pain, sadness and heartache that I faced during that time. I had sisters and best friends have babies. I tried to share in their happiness but my arms felt so empty. Baby showers, holidays and anniversaries of due dates were not easy. They were reminders of the dreams we had for our family that were lost. The plans and love we had for those babies. 

After healing and anxiously trying we got to see those two pink lines again. But being pregnant after losses is not easy. You feel a mix of joy, fear, hope and stress as you pass each week and milestone. You are wary to be too excited or feel too attached as you know the pain of having to say goodbye too soon. But I learned it also makes you stronger. More brave as a couple. More faithful and trusting in God. Each week that passed and every strong heartbeat we heard we felt more filled with hope. When we finally got to meet our rainbow baby boy Kaden and see his sweet little face there was not a dry eye in the room. I remember holding his freshly born body on my chest and with tears streaming down my cheeks I whispered to him "I've been waiting for you!" 

When it was time to try for a little sibling we had thought we had things figured out because we had finally had a successful pregnancy and birth (lots of tests, doctors, genetics, treatments, injections, medicines, etc.) but once again we had a miscarriage. No matter how many you have - miscarriages suck. The emotional and physical pain sucks. I was reminded again of how fragile life is and what a miracle Kaden was. We had now lost 4 precious babies. With God's grace we continued on and when we found out we were pregnant again it was hard to not feel like we shouldn't get too excited because of our past. Each doctor visit I was super anxious. I felt like I had to be ready for the bad news. But when we got to see our sweet baby and passed the marks where we had lost before it brought some relief and more excitement. Then we found out we were going to have another boy! A baby brother for Kaden! When he was born our world changed. He healed part of my broken heart and brought so much joy to our family. We loved the name Bennett and when I looked it up and saw it meant 'blessing' it was a perfect fit for him. I'm thankful that we were brave to continue on after loss. That even when the years passed and I had felt forgotten that it wasn't the end of our story. If you are still waiting, hoping and dreaming I'm thinking of you. I know every miscarriage and loss is different. But I know that feeling of heartache. You are not alone. You are loved. You are strong. You are brave. You are a mother. 

As I type this the four candles still flicker in the dark. I wonder what they would have looked like and who they would have been. Kaden wandered in a little bit ago with a tummy ache so he is snuggled besides me in our bed asleep. I had told him about the candles burning for his siblings and cuddled him closer. 

My heart goes out to all the mamas missing, longing, and dreaming of their baby today. May God's grace and peace cover you with love and hope. We remember with you. You are not alone. You are loved. 

Love, Lisa